Active listening involves getting in sync with the other person

Listening involves far more than sitting there! The are three key elements to active listening: clarifying, pacing and backtracking. They help you get in sync with the other person and more easily empathize. Concentrating on them also helps us stay out of the “yeah, but” mode AND keeps us from overreacting to the other person.

Clarifying

To clarify is to ask open-ended questions─who, when, where, what, how─to gain a better understanding of the other person’s position and move them toward a solution. Open-ended questions can't be answered with yes or no, so you gain more useful information. It's a good idea to avoid “why” questions—they’re perceived as accusatory and can put the other person on the defensive.

Pacing

Pacing involves subtly mirroring the communication style of the other person─their posture, facial expressions, gestures and the pace, volume and energy of their voice. You must be very careful not to mimic or ape them! We naturally pace people we’re comfortable with and we do the opposite with people we’re uncomfortable with.

Think back to your junior high lunchroom. Sorry, I know this is can be painful! Picture yourself and your buddies sitting at your usual table. When someone leans in and starts to talk in a low voice, what does everyone else do? Yes, they all lean in and start whispering. Looks like a huddle. Now, if the kid who loves to spread gossip walks by, what does everyone in the huddle do? Yup, they all rear back and start talking in a loud voice about something innocuous. Just watch—you’ll see pacing in action every day!

A vey useful application of pacing is to mirror the other person’s sense of urgency. Sometimes we stay too calm and they don’t get the sense that we heard them. For instance, if they’re speaking really quickly we have a tendency to slow down to get them to slow down. Unfortunately, it just ticks them off! Instead, build in a benefit to them for doing whatever you need them to do starting at their pace and slowing down.

Here’s an example: You would start at their rapid pace and say, “I want to make sure we get your loan processed as quickly as possible.” Then you would gradually slow down as you say, “ May I ask you to verify your current address so I may pull up your records and get the process going?”

Backtracking

Backtracking is similar to paraphrasing only you concentrate on using some of their actual words. We call these their essence words. You’ll know what they are—they emphasize them. They can also indicate any hot spots for them.

The risk of using paraphrasing is that we often change what they said into our own words. I’m sure you’ve heard someone come back with, “No, that’s NOT what I said!” Now you have a really angry person on your hands!

Backtracking is an essential technique if you’re dealing with an especially aggressive person. They put great credence in their words. In order for them to feel heard, you need to use some of their essence words when you ask a question or summarize what they’ve said.

Often, these three techniques occur simultaneously—you pace and backtrack while you’re asking clarifying questions. Focusing on getting in sync with the other person helps us concentrate on what they're saying─helps us really hear what they're saying. Stephen Covey said it well, "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."

The Spirit of Cavett Robert

It was my first National Speakers Association convention and the luncheon speaker asked us to turn to someone and tell them about one of our heroes. A kindly gentleman extended his hand to me and I told him about my Grandma. After he told me about one of his heroes, he took my hand once more and said, "Tell me again what your Grandma said." Through tears I told him what she often said, "I love you darling. How would you know unless I told you?"

I discovered later that I was talking with Cavett Robert─the founder of NSA. He was one of those rare people who made you feel like you were the only person in the room when you talked with him. And I'll never forget that luncheon exchange. When I unpacked after the convention, I pulled a silk jacket out of the suitcase and discovered spots all down the front. They were tears, of course, and the cleaner was able to get them out. The impact Cavett made on me─and all of us in NSA─will always be there! The Cavett Award is bestowed annually to a member whose actions─in terms of sharing, guiding and inspiring other members─most closely parallels his illustrious career.

Danger! Many don't─or can't─read

How many of those you write for or to can't read? Or don't take the time to read? We have turned into a nation of scanners. That's not a bad thing─too much is coming at us and we just don't have enough time to read. But time is just one issue. Another is the issue of adult literacy. When you have the time, you can read all the statistics gathered by U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics in the National Assessment of Adult Literacy (NAAL). Here's just one startling quote:

"One measure of literacy is the percentage of adults who perform at four achievement levels: Below Basic, Basic, Intermediate, and Proficient. In each type of literacy, 13 percent of adults were at or above Proficient (indicating they possess the skills necessary to perform complex and challenging literacy activities) in 2003. Twenty-two percent of adults were Below Basic (indicating they possess no more than the most simple and concrete literacy skills)."

When I lead workshops on writing, I stress three key issues:
• Make sure your audience can see the relevance to them─quickly!
• Make it easy to scan
• And edit, edit, edit

Do I dare say it? Write on!

Moments of Truth

From bullfighting lexicon, it's also the title of a classic book by Jan Carlzon. Brought in as CEO to turn around Scandinavian Airlines (SAS), his famous quote started the First Wave seminars: "We have 50,000 moments of truth every day."
Carlzon defined a moment of truth as "An episode in which a customer comes into contact with an employee of a company and thereby has an opportunity to form an impression." He turned around the company within one year.

How many moments of truth does your company have every day? How many moments of truth do YOU have every day?

Having trouble getting heard?

"What?" "I'm sorry, what did you say?" Sound familiar? There are lots of reasons why people might not listen to us. They're busy. We catch them in the hall with a "Got a minute?" We ramble. We need to figure out how to get them to listen.

Try Procedure Setting. It's a three step process:
1. State your desire to talk.
2. State how long it will take. This step is critical. It requires you to know what you're going to say, knowing how long it will take and sticking to that time frame.
3. Ask if this is a good time to talk.

If they say "No," ask them, "When would be a good time to talk?" Now you've got to hold them to it. You'll want to verify a time and place. Then send them an Outlook New Meeting Request that will show up on their calendar. When the meeting time arrives, be sure you get to the point, stick to your original time frame and, er, uh, uhm. Oh! Don't ramble!

Stumbling blocks that sabotage credibility

I'm sure you haven't made as big a gaffe as the former CEO of BP, Tony Hayward. Yet, even the best speakers fall prey to some stumbling blocks─whether we're talking one-to-one or to the world. Once we identify ours, we can work to eliminate them and get on with the business at hand. Review this checklist and see how you do─you'll find some examples following each stumbling block:

 Hedge statements and qualifying phrases: This may not be important, but…

 Tag questions: Don’t you agree? OK? All right? The company car will be available, won’t it?

 Exaggerated superlatives: awesome, amazing, fabulous…

 Excessive apologies: sometimes "I'm sorry" are the only words that work; we just want to avoid excessive use of them.

 Self-effacing remarks: I’m just a… Well, I’ve done my best under tough circumstances…

 Overexplanations─many examples when one good one will do. Get to the point!

 Fillers: Um, er, like, you know, like, OK─you know...

 Rambling─we must know when to stop!

 Undefined jargon and acronyms. Every industry has them─what are some of yours?

It takes six weeks of concentrated effort to eliminate a nagging habit, so settle on the one that sabotages your credibility and get to work!

Take your PowerPoints from groan to great

You've seen the articles: "Death by PowerPoint" and other extremely uncomplimentary headlines. Many times these pejoratives are well deserved. Yet, research shows the power of visuals─see a previous post for details. To take your PowerPoints from groan to great, follow these guidelines:

Strive for simplicity

• Limit graphics
• Use bullets instead of complete sentences
• Don't overuse animation─spinning transitions grow old after one!
• Use only 2-3 colors. No surprise, blue is the favorite color of 80% of Americans.
• Strive for the strongest possible foreground/background contrast. Dark type against a light background is easiest to read─especially in subdued lighting. When using light type against a dark background, make sure it's legible.
• Recolor charts, clip art and illustrations to match your palette

Let legibility be your guide

Focus on Fonts
• Use only one or two fonts
• Pick one with a black or heavy version to make titles stand out
• Use sans serif fonts—Arial and Verdana are two classics
• 24 point is the smallest font to use—bigger is better!
• Avoid all caps—they slow down your reader by 13.4%
• Do not underline

Follow the 6 x 6 Rule, then change it up!
• 6 lines per slide
• 6 words per line
• For change of pace, have a slide with a single quote or few words

Keep punctuation to a minimum, avoid:
• Slashes—look like letters when projected
• Exclamation points—often look like the letter “I”
• Periods at end of lines—they’re usually not complete sentences
• Awkward line breaks

Choose an easy to read layout
• Set type ragged right
• Use centering sparingly─difficult to find the beginning of lines
• Use two to three indent levels─maximum

Edit ruthlessly
• Eliminate introductory words—the, in addition
• Avoid awkward line breaks
• Cut redundant words and qualifiers—often, extremely, sometimes
• Replace long words or phrases with short ones

And whatever you do, don't read from your PowerPoint. Well, occasionally I'll read a quote for effect, but to read endlessly from your slides is insulting to your audience. And boring!