Support...we can’t survive without it!

Sometimes support is just a hand─or paw─to hold! Many of us need to be able to vent─or talk to someone─to survive. Forming formal Venting Partners provides a venue to allow you to vent appropriately—out of ear shot of customers or team members—and with an end in sight. It’s a good stress reducer and eliminates frequent complaining—which wears everyone down.

First you and someone agree to be venting partners. When you need to vent, go to your partner and ask if this is a good time. They have the prerogative to set another time agreeable—or convenient—to both of you. To start, the listener says,

“OK, go!”

After one minute the listener says, “Stop”

Then, the listener asks my favorite question,

“Do you need another minute?”

If the answer is yes, the listener says, “Go!”

Interestingly, many of the people venting don't need another minute because they have received the complete attention of their venting partner. Note: this means the partner is not multi-tasking!

After another minute, listener says, “Stop.”

There are some important guidelines:

Venting partners focus on:
• Giving their partner their complete attention
• Making eye contact and otherwise showing they're interested
• Acknowledging their partner's feelings─showing empathy

Venting partners do not:
• Interrupt
• Give unsolicited advice
• Tell their partner to calm down
• Hoover or vacuum up the other person’s feelings

When the venting session is over, both must let go of whatever was discussed. There, wasn't that a lot better than listening to a coworker complain over and over and over again about the same person or issue? Thought so!

Marshall Goldsmith recommends Feedforward

Marshall Goldsmith is one of the most respected executive coaches in the country and he graciously shares his ideas and techniques. Today I led a workshop for directors at Swedish Medical Center in Seattle called Leader as Influencer and once again facilitated a technique Marshall calls Feedforward.

To move to the next level, we constantly need to solicit feedback from our peers, reports, friends and family. I had the honor of hearing Marshall speak at the National Speakers Association convention and bought his book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There. You'll find the directions for Feedforward there as well as at his website.

I encourage you to put Marshall's suggestion to work. You can use Feedforward when a group gathers or you can ask for feedback on a less formal basis. Marshall says the only question that works is: "How can I do better?" It can vary with the circumstances and become more specific, for instance: "What can I do to be a better colleague at work?" It's certainly a question I'm asking myself, my colleagues, friends and family, "How can I do better?"

Coach for encouragement, not punishment!

As we headed into a series of communication and customer service workshops for the entire staff of an organization, we kicked off the series with a session for the managers. A critical focus of the workshop was to review their coaching standards. Everyone has a card with Coaching for Praise on one side and Coaching for Improvement on the other. I'll focus on the former in another post.

Mark Twain said, "Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." Coaching involves a lot of coaxing, encouraging and supporting. We need to plan for that conversation, first by examining our intent. We do that by thinking about what we need to say to the person and why we need to say it. Then we can proceed with the steps:

1. State our observation. Ask yourself, "What specific, observable behavior can you describe?"

2. Ask for their perspective. And ask yourself, "What can I say to make it easier for them to ask questions? How can I get some brainstorming going─using open-ended questions?"

3. Restate the standard and be specific—is it from their job description, customer service or organizational standards or policy?

4. Offer support—help them create an action plan and schedule opportunities for feedback as they make progress.

5. Encourage—what can you say to encourage them? Think of their criteria—what motivates them. And, of course, follow up!

Two final thoughts: We need to think about our nonverbals─how we will look and sound as we're giving this feedback and encouragement. And, we need to avoid judgment, which comes out with phrases and words such as: "I didn’t like…" "I have a problem with your attitude." And the little word, BUT!

Live up to our children's expectations

I was at my computer preparing for a program the next day entitled Communicating from Strength... and maintaining your sensitivity to others. The course explores the differences among communicating in a manner that is assertive, aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive. Then I noticed that the memorial in Tucson was about to begin. As President Obama began to speak, and I heard the reaction from the crowd gathered, I immediately went to my television to watch those present reacting to his words. I encourage you all to watch the speech. He honored everyone who was lost that terrible day and encouraged us as a nation of people. Here are some of the quotes that I quickly wrote down:

"Talking with each other in a way that heals, not wounds." Those who communicate aggressively and passive-aggressively aim to wound.

"Sharpen our instincts for empathy." The key to understanding one another is empathy.

"Listen to each other more carefully." Listening is the greatest gift we give one another.

"Nurture our relationships with those who are still with us." Oh yes, such a reminder about how fleeting life can be.

"Making sure we align our values with our actions." Do we walk the talk?

"That we live up to our children's expectations." I thought of the dear children in my life─three of whom are pictured. I'm sure everyone listening thought of the children in their lives. Those who had just lost their precious daughter─the parents of nine year old Christina Taylor Green─stood up and applauded as our president closed his remarks with that phrase. Our highest goal: to live up to the expectations of the children in our lives.

Understand your learning styles to engage your audiences

An understanding of our preferred learning styles helps us be a better presenter. We tend to teach in the same styles in which we learn. This means we can fail to engage some of the people in our audiences. Traditionally educators referred to three basic types of learning styles or modal preferences: visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. Most of us tend to use one of our senses more than the others to process information─and to use different learning styles for different tasks.

Howard Gardner took this further and developed a theory of Multiple Intelligences. He identified or defined seven intelligences:
• Linguistic/verbal
• Visual/spatial
• Auditory/musical
• Logical/mathematical
• Kinesthetic/hands on
• Interpersonal
• Intrapersonal

You can take a quick, self-scoring self-assessment and discover your preferred intelligences or learning styles. Gardner has since added two more intelligences: Naturalist and Existentialist.

You'll find slightly different terminology─and the addition of the Naturalist─in another assessment.

Self-awareness is important in the world of work and the world of life. The more we know, the more effectively we can adapt our style to positively influence others. And, as a presenter, engage them. Once engaged, they learn, they buy, they buy your ideas!

Active listening involves getting in sync with the other person

Listening involves far more than sitting there! The are three key elements to active listening: clarifying, pacing and backtracking. They help you get in sync with the other person and more easily empathize. Concentrating on them also helps us stay out of the “yeah, but” mode AND keeps us from overreacting to the other person.

Clarifying

To clarify is to ask open-ended questions─who, when, where, what, how─to gain a better understanding of the other person’s position and move them toward a solution. Open-ended questions can't be answered with yes or no, so you gain more useful information. It's a good idea to avoid “why” questions—they’re perceived as accusatory and can put the other person on the defensive.

Pacing

Pacing involves subtly mirroring the communication style of the other person─their posture, facial expressions, gestures and the pace, volume and energy of their voice. You must be very careful not to mimic or ape them! We naturally pace people we’re comfortable with and we do the opposite with people we’re uncomfortable with.

Think back to your junior high lunchroom. Sorry, I know this is can be painful! Picture yourself and your buddies sitting at your usual table. When someone leans in and starts to talk in a low voice, what does everyone else do? Yes, they all lean in and start whispering. Looks like a huddle. Now, if the kid who loves to spread gossip walks by, what does everyone in the huddle do? Yup, they all rear back and start talking in a loud voice about something innocuous. Just watch—you’ll see pacing in action every day!

A vey useful application of pacing is to mirror the other person’s sense of urgency. Sometimes we stay too calm and they don’t get the sense that we heard them. For instance, if they’re speaking really quickly we have a tendency to slow down to get them to slow down. Unfortunately, it just ticks them off! Instead, build in a benefit to them for doing whatever you need them to do starting at their pace and slowing down.

Here’s an example: You would start at their rapid pace and say, “I want to make sure we get your loan processed as quickly as possible.” Then you would gradually slow down as you say, “ May I ask you to verify your current address so I may pull up your records and get the process going?”

Backtracking

Backtracking is similar to paraphrasing only you concentrate on using some of their actual words. We call these their essence words. You’ll know what they are—they emphasize them. They can also indicate any hot spots for them.

The risk of using paraphrasing is that we often change what they said into our own words. I’m sure you’ve heard someone come back with, “No, that’s NOT what I said!” Now you have a really angry person on your hands!

Backtracking is an essential technique if you’re dealing with an especially aggressive person. They put great credence in their words. In order for them to feel heard, you need to use some of their essence words when you ask a question or summarize what they’ve said.

Often, these three techniques occur simultaneously—you pace and backtrack while you’re asking clarifying questions. Focusing on getting in sync with the other person helps us concentrate on what they're saying─helps us really hear what they're saying. Stephen Covey said it well, "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."

The Spirit of Cavett Robert

It was my first National Speakers Association convention and the luncheon speaker asked us to turn to someone and tell them about one of our heroes. A kindly gentleman extended his hand to me and I told him about my Grandma. After he told me about one of his heroes, he took my hand once more and said, "Tell me again what your Grandma said." Through tears I told him what she often said, "I love you darling. How would you know unless I told you?"

I discovered later that I was talking with Cavett Robert─the founder of NSA. He was one of those rare people who made you feel like you were the only person in the room when you talked with him. And I'll never forget that luncheon exchange. When I unpacked after the convention, I pulled a silk jacket out of the suitcase and discovered spots all down the front. They were tears, of course, and the cleaner was able to get them out. The impact Cavett made on me─and all of us in NSA─will always be there! The Cavett Award is bestowed annually to a member whose actions─in terms of sharing, guiding and inspiring other members─most closely parallels his illustrious career.